Waterloo, ON, Canada
March 24, 2007
created by user DUSmithy
|1||Will Gibbons||6:31||M||25||Alexander Keith's||1st Beer Mile Win|
|2||Adam LaLonde||6:36||M||25||Labatt Genuine Draft|
|3||Mike Logue||6:55||M||25||Carling Black Label||Previous Champion|
|4||Kevin Smith||7:54||M||25||Labatt's Blue||PB|
|5||Mark Linesman||8:08||M||22||Moosehead||Finished Beer Mile then went to catch bus out of town 5min after.|
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Beer Mile Gong Show: Logue Loses, Gibbons Gloats
In a triumphant and defiant return, the 6th annual spring KWBM was a colourfully fantastic and debaucherous affair. Once more for old time's sake, the beer mile returned after a hiatus for the prior Fall Season. While numbers dipped slightly from last Spring's record-breaking performance, this was still the second largest field in KWBM history with
Chief debaucher and current KW Beer Mile record holder, the Mullet B. Miler was still a favourite for some going in, despite not having run at all since the last beer mile a year ago! This Mulleteer™ had named former housemate and federal economist William D Rumrod as his favourite, with a tip of the cap to former friend and current YUP Hutch-eez, and the perennial contender with the northern Ontario drinking pedigree, Adam L.
Race day, Hutch pulled up lame with a long list of injuries and excuses including menstruation and a 'hangover' after a rough night of Will Rumrod and intensive cuddling, so it looked like the race was down to the three remaining shitty and dated competitors – Will, Lalonde and the Mullet B Miler.
In exciting fashion (including a full-length one-piece lycra suit, and a bright orange Syracuse University track singlet circa 1989), all three old goats exchanged leads on their laps and painful, painful beers. On the fourth and final beer, Lalonde got out quickly to the run, followed by Will, with the Mulleteer™ not far behind.
It was at this point in the race that the Mulleteer™'s famed and inspiring beer milling career of victories and accolades flashed before his eyes. He dug deep down in his gut for that inner strength and resolve to help him through his former forte, the final running portion of the race. Deep in his gut though, the Mullet B. Miler found only four very foamy Carling Black Labels sloshing around (plus a shirt stuffed in his crotchal region), and none of the desired qualities. The four beers in fact taunted the mullet, and threatened to make a re-appearance on the track and break his other perfect record of six years of beer miles without puking, if he dared look any further for motivation or speed. The Mullet B. Miler's achilles tendon also chimed in at this point to call him a douchebag for even attempted to race. So under the impression that beer knows best, the Mulleteer™ instead packed it in, and resigned himself to what he thought was second place. But another judgement perhaps clouded by the beer was the fact that the Mulleteer™ had misjudged his position, as he was actually in third.
Meanwhile back at the track, Will managed to pull away convincingly in the time it took the mullet to ponder his fate, and other burning philosophical questions such as the meaning of life and social influence processes and college student drinking: the mediational role of alcohol outcome expectancies. Unbeknownst to the mullet was Lalonde was also closing quickly ahead.
This was definitely Will's time to shine, as he finally took his first beer mile victory after 6 years. It shook down as Will in first in 6:31, Lalonde second in 6:36 and the bronze Mulleteer™ in 6:55. Mullet B. Miler should have known he was doomed from the start since although Will and Lalonde are also both shitty and dated, they had both at least been running and training in the year leading up to this, the race of the year. Lesson learned: IF there is a next time, the Mulleteer™ will train ( e.g. run) and win again!
Team Shitty and Dated continued their underwhelming dominance by not only sweeping the podium, but the top-4. In an unheard of precedent, Smithy not only backed up his smack talk, but actually found the cure to reverse the effects of aging that makes everyone "Shitty & Dated" by running a P.B. (personal best) of 7:54! Team scores showed Team S&D take the win easily, followed by a surprise, the team of free agents comprised of random unaffiliated people that tagged along. Taking the team bronze was team ski, who deserve extra credit for having the largest number of finishers this year! Struggling to field full squads and bringing up the rear were former powerhouses distance & TnF. Teams were all mixed and scored just like cross country using the top 5 finishers as scorers.
In the women's race, the Mulleteer™'s predictions rang true, as his two picks that raced both won, sort of. Nordic Toni won the 3-beer category convincingly, in a stellar time of 9:16, good for 10th overall (mullet's other prediction on a men's wildcard did not pan out as well, since Toni beat him). Defending champ Katie H defended her title in style (home-made 'beater), while again going with 4 beers and being the first 4-beer female in 10:46 (15th overall). Not far behind Katie in the women's race was a special guest, all the way from Wisconsin, France - Gina B, making a stellar beer mile debut and getting a fitting introduction to Canada and Waterloo. It was great to hear she promised to spread the beer miling gospel back to her homeland (and win).
Special recognition should also go to the lone brave chocolate milker, who managed to finish this year on his third crack at it – in a solid time too, Colin R in 13:53. Many more props are deserved, but let's leave the last shout outs to our officials, starters, cameramen and women, videographer Matt, and our DD's – thanks guys and gals!