The JLowe Pre-Wedding Invitational Beer Mile
Warner-Robins, GA
May 16, 2008

created by user malcolm

Conditions: Cool and Clear


Beer Mile

4 Beers, 4 Laps Stop and Drink, Then Run Full Mile 12oz Beers Open When Drunk 5% Alcohol Beer No Tampering Vomit Penalty Max 4oz Spillage

Name Time Gender Age Beer Notes
1 Scott Jackson 7:59 M 33 From Can Bud Light *pb
2 Shannon 10:15 F 30 From Can Coors Light *1-beer mile
3 JLowe 10:57 M 30 From Can Bud Light *pb
4 JDub 12:40 M 30 From Can Bud Light *first time
5 Strange 12:51 M 30 From Can Bud Light *pb
6 Keeley 13:45 M 28 From Can Bud Light *first time
7 Alison 15:47 F 28 From Can Coors Light *1-beer mile
8 Marty Lowe 15:55 M 59 From Can Coors Light *first time
9 Ryan 25:00 M 32 From Can Bud Light *first time

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Race Notes:

This is the story of nine runners on an epic night. The weather was perfect, the crowd energetic, the runners diligent, and the times stellar.

The runners: The Groom, Father of the Groom, The Best Man, Malcolm, Jacknut, Air Forcer, The Finisher, Sister of the Groom, The Stoic Bridesmaid.

Spectators: The Bride, Niece of the Bride, Noel (second beer mile attended, but first outside the womb), Timekeep Mrs. Malcolm, and Timekeep Assist Pete.

No stranger to the beer mile, Scott "Jacknut" Jackson had pledged to run under 8.5 minutes, to encourage some good talk before the race and to return him onto the 1000 best times list on this official Beer Mile site.

We ate barbecue at the rehearsal dinner and The Groom said he wanted everyone to hurry to get ready for the run. No way! The BBQ so heavy in Jacknut's belly required that he stall, Argentina-style, as much as possible to delay the start of the race: lollygagged in his hotel room changing into his running gear and trying to rid his belly of the heavy dinner. . . . Finally when we got to the hotel lobby, the Air Forcer told us everyone else, annoyed, had already left to buy the beer.

We found the slightly unkempt track mostly under cover of darkness, with a light and cool breeze but no one else to be seen. The spectators and beer-buyers arrived after Jacknut and Air Forcer and Malcolm had already walked the track once, finding a slight incline much to Malcolm's chagrin.

Jacknut ran a warm-up lap or two as everyone else stood about. Finally everyone cracked their first beers and the race began. Most everyone began running the first lap within 15 seconds, and Jacknut had returned, finished his second beer, and started his second lap before some people were even done with the first lap. He started Lap 3 right at 4 minutes and finished the whole thing just under 8 minutes!

Jacknut then yelled about how much he hurt, walked around looking rather in pain, finally puked up about 2 beers, and then ran a cool-down lap before some of the others were even done. The timekeep stood in awe and defied him to do any such thing while competing against the likes of Tigger.

This was the first beer mile for Father of the Groom. Having learned about it only that evening, he was appropriately baffled that this phenomenon even exists and that its creators had not been pummeled to death by the first competitors, yet he finished in under 16 minutes! Good showing among runners half his age, and fast enough to rank among the grand masters. Boomer Sooner!

Other novices included The Best Man, whose shirtless attire apparently served him well. Also Air Forcer: no surprise, the jet pilot excelled in running and drinking. The Finisher had an interesting technique: eat Tums all afternoon in an attempt to prepare his stomach to receive the beer. This technique is not to be recommended, but The Finisher is to be commended for finishing despite great, er, internal trial and yet not puking.

The women deserve brave asterisks as they ran well but did not run real beer miles: they each only drank one beer total, sipping a little of it between laps. They only decided to run this tomfoolery at the last minute anyway.

The Bride and Niece of the Bride also deserve brave asterisks for volunteering to watch Noel during the race. He clapped for Daddy; they kept him out of puke's way. Perfect exchange.

Second-timers The Groom and Malcolm each ran personal bests, though Malcom spent too much time in the transitions to defeat The Best Man.

No in-race puking to report, no doubt owing to Tigger's absence. No doubt.

But many congratulations to The Groom, for after watching this spectacle, The Bride still said "I do" the next day. Kudos to our record-makers, and also to the happy couple.

Splits, with transition times in parentheses (no first transition time):

Jacknut ? 1:25 (0:40), 3:21 (0:39), 5:32 (0:59), 7:59
Shannon ? 2:13 (0:22), 4:27 (1:05), 7:24 (1:06), 10:15
JLowe ? 1:40 (0:58), 4:13 (1:12), 7:15 (1:36), 10:57
JDub ? 2:00 (1:13), 5:09 (1:23), 8:47 (1:46), 12:40
Strange ? 2:03 (1:33), 5:08 (1:31), 8:28 (2.43), 12:51
Keeley ? 1:34 (1:11), 4:34 (2.30), 8:48 (3.23), 13:45
Alison ? 2:29 (1:04), 6:09 (2:15), 11:03 (2:10), 15:47
Marty ? 2:24 (1:16), 6:06 (2:06), 10:43 (2:39), 15:55
Ryan ? 2:53 (3:16), 8:18 (5:36), 16:38 (4:12), 25:00