| Name (* official) | Time |
Location | Race | Sex | Age | Beer | Notes |
| 1. | Dana Slut |
7:09.0 |
a dark place on a hill | 6th annual donkey punch beer mile | M | 69 | Busch, can | PR for a grandpa |
| 2. | Short Frankenstein |
7:11.0 |
a dark place on a hill | 6th annual donkey punch beer mile | M | 69 | Busch, can | PR for an old man |
| 3. | Cali "Palm Tree Slut" Boy |
9:31.3 |
A Dark Place On A Hill | Donkey Punch Beer Mile | M | 88 | Budweiser, can | You lost to a girl, 'nuff said |
| 4. | puke table "he has an AARP card" |
10:36.0 |
Rochester, NY | the greater rochester beer mile | M | 69 | Diesles, can | RIT |
| 5. | Like Wo-Oh |
12:30.0 |
a dark place on a hill | 6th annual donkey punch beer mile | M | 69 | Busch, can | last among competitors, first in masturbation ejaculation |
| 6. | Klitty Litter |
13:41.0 |
Tucson, AZ | 2008 Tucson Thanksgiving Beer Mile | F | 69 | vodka and juice, cup | I don't think she's really that old |
| 7. | Johnny "Mountain Man" Jeans* |
14:09.0 |
Seattle, WA | Seattle HHH First Beer Mile | M | 69 | Pabst Blue Ribbon, can | |
| 8. | Connie Shaw* |
17:00.0 |
Victoria, BC | Third Annual Dave Smart Tribute B... | F | 78 | Kokanee, can | |